I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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