So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
