Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
so much tequila, so little girl.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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