her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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