I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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