my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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