So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
