Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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