it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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