I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
