listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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