your thong is hanging out like whoa
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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