It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
