If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
lets start a swedish sibling band together
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
