I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
