I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
