I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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