I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You smell like stripper and shame
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
