There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
