you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
A bitchslap is in order.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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