let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
