just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
