Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
