I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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