Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
