Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
