the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
