I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
