ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
