I wish I could teleport
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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