What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
