i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
