you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
