i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
