and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
