new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Are we still banned from the library?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
