Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
