My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
