So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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