He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Randomize
