I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
