Someone shit on the floor
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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