All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You have to summon your inner elephant
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
