guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
