How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
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