I will die if light touches me.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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