I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
