an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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