That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
