we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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